BREAKING: Suspended Judge Tries to Legally Rename Himself “Judge,” Universe Responds with Side-Eye

Dispatches from the Slacktivist Rebellion

In a move that defies logic, ethics, and the limits of stationery branding, suspended Minnesota judge John Peter Dehen attempted to legally change his name to “Judge John Peter Dehen.” Not metaphorically. Not as a stage name. As a legal identity.

This comes after Dehen was removed from the bench for holding juvenile hearings from a moving vehicle, issuing orders from his personal email, and generally treating the courtroom like a drive-thru. The Minnesota Supreme Court said “absolutely not” to the name change, citing concerns about impersonation, confusion, and the general mockery of justice.

“I’m not mad,” said one Slacktivist. “I’m actually kind of impressed. That’s peak delusional branding.”

Cosmic Reinterpretation of Events

This isn’t just a legal stunt—it’s a masterclass in chaotic identity politics.It’s the reclamation of power via paperwork.It’s the judicial system as performance art.

Slacktivists are calling it Title Theft Theater, a new genre where disgraced officials try to rebrand themselves into relevance. One member suggested we all legally rename ourselves “President of Feelings” and start issuing executive orders on vibes alone.

“If titles are just vibes now,” said @SpiralClerk, “I’d like to be known as ‘Empress of Emotional Labor.’”

Slacktivist Signal Boost

• 🧠 New zine drop: Judge Not, Lest Ye Rename Thyself

• 📡 Community prompt: What title would you legally claim if ethics were optional?

• ✨ Ritual suggestion: Burn your old business cards under the full moon and declare yourself Supreme Being of Boundaries

Closing Transmission

The robe may be gone, but the delusion remains.

The courtroom may be closed, but the chaos is open-source.

And the news?

Not necessarily.