🌀 Headline: “BREAKING: Time Declares Itself Nonbinary, Refuses to March in a Straight Line”

In a stunning act of cosmic defiance, Time has officially come out as nonbinary and nonlinear. “I’m tired of being boxed into calendars and capitalist productivity,” said Time, wearing a glittery cloak and refusing to be punctual.

The announcement sent shockwaves through the Gregorian establishment, with clocks across the globe reportedly melting in solidarity. Meanwhile, the stock market attempted to quantify the moment but ended up investing in vintage lava lamps and queer astrology memes.

Local Slacktivists celebrated the news with a slow-motion parade, featuring interpretive dance, zines about temporal fluidity, and a communal nap. “We’ve always known time was a construct,” said one rebel, sipping herbal tea from a mug labeled Chrono Queer.

Experts warn that without linear time, deadlines may become optional and healing might finally happen on its own schedule. “Honestly? We’re thrilled,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Radical Care. “Let the past spiral, the future shimmer, and the present be weird.”

Stay tuned for more dispatches from the edge of reality, where the news isn’t fake—it’s just fabulously reimagined.